i-am-not-ok

 

Things have been kinda tumultuous and sucky in my world these past few months. I have been struck down various times with several physical ailments from unknown tropical lurgies and glandular fever to three awesome bouts of bronchitis, a full body hideous virus and other assorted varieties of revoltingness (I don’t think that’s a word but I’m making it one). It’s been tough and it’s taken its toll. Being sick and tired, and sick and tired of being sick and tired is exhausting and mentally pretty fucking draining. I have been quite high maintenance and needy at home and I am eternally thankful as always for my ever patient, loving and supportive husband. A few close friends and family members know what has been happening and for their constant help, care and support I will be forever grateful. Thank you, you know who you are. 🙂

I’m not ok – and I have decided that at this point in time, that it’s ok that I am not ok – for once. I am usually the one that seems to have it all together (well most of the time and that’s what I like to think anyway) and I don’t do vulnerable well, and as much as I have tried to embrace my many vulnerabilities, it just doesn’t come naturally. I love Brene Brown and her TED talk inspires me to embrace being vulnerable but it still feels prickly, awkward and unnatural.

So this Easter weekend and this past four months I have spent a LOT of time on my lounge, watching mindless crap, scrolling through Facebook, crying a lot and doing a great job of feeling sorry for myself, wondering when the hell it is going to end! I have fallen behind in calls, messages, friends, commitments and my business for this whole quarter, but I simply did not have the energy to do anything about anything at all. One day I didn’t even drink tea from 9:00am when a friend made me a cuppa until about 9:00pm that night when I had the energy to put the kettle on, for anyone close to me I need say no more.

So, what have I learnt?

  1. I need put self-care right up there on my big-bold-always-in-my-face to do list; it is a non-negotiable now. I teach this stuff but have not been walking my talk.
  2. I need to stop “shoulding”. I have lost count of the amount of times I’ve said that I have lost four months. It is what it is, and what it is – is time to rest and reflect.
  3. I need to prioritise what and who is important, energy is precious and so is our time, so rather than allow myself to reach overwhelm again, I will be very particular about the choices I make and learn to say the no word more often.
  4. I am thankful for the wisdom of my body for teaching me always what I need to know – even if it takes me forever to hear what it has to say.
  5. Finally – I am more passionate than ever before about sharing my knowledge and how to support loved ones who are living with mental illnesses.

Being not ok, is actually ok.

Rae-Anne x :)